Sick Down To My Heart

It's amazing that everyone will collectively gather the same thought and ask me how one person who I couldn't possibly know anything about now, is doing.
G-d always just sorta rubs thing in unintentionally.

That's just the way it goes.

I've fallen in love with Morrissey all over again, In anticipation for his new album I downloaded his best reviewed old one, The beauitufl Vauxhall And I, andomgggggggggg


Just listen to Why don't You Find Out For Yourself.


I think Lonliness is cyclical.
Sometimes I feel like I could conquor the world alone, and other times, like now, I just want to be held.
I haven't been around here for some time.
I just haven't felt the need to write about anything, but a lot has happened.
Just not around these parts.

Is this natural? If it is I'm afraid.

Welly welly welly welly well.

It's a new year.
It started off well, and if begining's tell you anything about endings, then this one should be chaotic.
but I'm ready.





I'm so not ready.

A tough kid who sometimes swallows nails

omg im ok!


Morrissey is singing just for me
I know it.
its really awkward and stalkerish but I love that man
in me.
Id love it if he was in me
in every gay way possible.


Well
I'm cute now
so i'm happy.

Hey

I'm ok now.
bye.

The Overly Dramatic Truth

I'm gonna kill myself.

Plain and simple.
I'm gonna end it all in two months.
Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye
Cheerio, here I go, on my way

Reasons:
Medication isn't working but I'm afraid to stop taking it.
I constantly feel sick and ache all over.
my bestfriend left me for no fucking reason and refuses to explain herself
and I've done nothing wrong.
so fuck it.

Yeah I'm a pussy and No I can't handle life and fuck you.
and I'm not joking.

This isn't a cry for help or it would be a bulliten.
this is just me getting it off my chest and a way for the media to use Blogspot as a weapon and for everyone I know to go "Oh he talked a lot about killing himself online but we never thought he was serious."


If things don't work out in two months I'm driving to the desert, calling the police and killing myself.
So don't be fucking suprised.
Fuck this life.
I understand some of us aren't supposed to have it easy and all but i'm almost positive this is G-d's way of saying "We need to talk, get up here quick."\





It may all end tommorow,
or it could go on forever,
in which case I'm doomed.


(P.S. I know I'm overly dramatic and all but this seriously does make me feel so good, don't try to dissuade me, I won't listen.)

I Know It's Over Pt. 2

ok.
here we are.






"I know it's over, before it really began, but in my heart it was so real."
"Loud loutish lover treat her kindly, though she needs you more then she loves you."
well, who am I to make those calls.


Although I can say;
You Blew It!(non sarcastically)
and
Great Job!(sarcastically)
because I can say whatever I want.



Goddamnit, did I do this to myself?
Did I really?
Too much too soon.

So this is officially the most depressing blog ever.
and that gives you an idea of how I fuckin live.
for some damn reason, for some fucking obscure completely outta leftfield "Go-ahead-and-fuck-my-day-up" reason life went from being reletivley ok to BAM! big fuckin train wreck.
Oh women, they'll always be my downfall.
My beast of burden.
I could quote old poems,
"Lecher though one is, or aspires to be, it occurs to me that the lot of girls is not easy."
or I could quote modern rap songs
"a bitch is a bitch."
or I could do nothing and keep my mouth shut.


wonderful.
goddamnit.

I've takin up smoking because I don't care and I wanna look cool.
Big deal I'm still aloneeee
at least there cool cigarettes.


Oh Johnny, where'd you go?

I have this image in my head of my happiness compared to my success.
I feel that I will always be more sucessful then I will be happy, and they will never eclipse so (if anyone wants to paint this for me, go ahead)
the image is sorta of Dali-esque
you know
this guy



so its of a guy with hoooks through his skin that are attached to big balloons being lifted above the ocean, the balloons represent my success and the man is my happiness, theres nothing he can do about it, yeah sure it's saving his life but he'll always just be trailing behind it, he's thankful of it, but it isn't the most comfortable experience.

dandy.

It truly amazed me how quickly I was cut outta her/your life.
goddamn.
I mean I know I asked for it, but there was no second thought.
Maybe you're too literal
maybe I'm just an asshole.
maybe I way over thought things.
maybe you just told me what I wanted to hear.
maybe I'm taking this all too seriously.
but not talking to you for 3 weeks(save for the occasional txt msg) sure does leave a lot up in the air.
Believe me honey, I wasn't asking for anything except a friend who'd never leave.
However, as we all know, You can't always get what you want.
infact
you rarely ever get what you want.
and if you try sometimes, you just might find
that it doesn't pay to try.
Ever.
Right?




ah well.
Shit happens.
Yeah, play it stoic, everyone believes you.
Jesus this is all like a fucked up Patrick Marber peice.
a lot of yelling.
a lot of heartaches.
a lot of drugs.
Well for me anway.





"Love is natural and real, but not for such as you and I my love."
Who knows maybe I'm overly dramatic and just can't seem to deal.
I wouldn't know
I wouldn't care either.



So next week and the week after that are my show.
And I'm in the reader.
and was on some radio thing.
Mentioned by name as a young actor to watch.
Well, it's not all dark rooms and bloody noses.
There's some hope out there.
And those day's will come again,
just not for me.