The Overly Dramatic Truth

I'm gonna kill myself.

Plain and simple.
I'm gonna end it all in two months.
Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye
Cheerio, here I go, on my way

Reasons:
Medication isn't working but I'm afraid to stop taking it.
I constantly feel sick and ache all over.
my bestfriend left me for no fucking reason and refuses to explain herself
and I've done nothing wrong.
so fuck it.

Yeah I'm a pussy and No I can't handle life and fuck you.
and I'm not joking.

This isn't a cry for help or it would be a bulliten.
this is just me getting it off my chest and a way for the media to use Blogspot as a weapon and for everyone I know to go "Oh he talked a lot about killing himself online but we never thought he was serious."


If things don't work out in two months I'm driving to the desert, calling the police and killing myself.
So don't be fucking suprised.
Fuck this life.
I understand some of us aren't supposed to have it easy and all but i'm almost positive this is G-d's way of saying "We need to talk, get up here quick."\





It may all end tommorow,
or it could go on forever,
in which case I'm doomed.


(P.S. I know I'm overly dramatic and all but this seriously does make me feel so good, don't try to dissuade me, I won't listen.)

I Know It's Over Pt. 2

ok.
here we are.






"I know it's over, before it really began, but in my heart it was so real."
"Loud loutish lover treat her kindly, though she needs you more then she loves you."
well, who am I to make those calls.


Although I can say;
You Blew It!(non sarcastically)
and
Great Job!(sarcastically)
because I can say whatever I want.



Goddamnit, did I do this to myself?
Did I really?
Too much too soon.

So this is officially the most depressing blog ever.
and that gives you an idea of how I fuckin live.
for some damn reason, for some fucking obscure completely outta leftfield "Go-ahead-and-fuck-my-day-up" reason life went from being reletivley ok to BAM! big fuckin train wreck.
Oh women, they'll always be my downfall.
My beast of burden.
I could quote old poems,
"Lecher though one is, or aspires to be, it occurs to me that the lot of girls is not easy."
or I could quote modern rap songs
"a bitch is a bitch."
or I could do nothing and keep my mouth shut.


wonderful.
goddamnit.

I've takin up smoking because I don't care and I wanna look cool.
Big deal I'm still aloneeee
at least there cool cigarettes.


Oh Johnny, where'd you go?

I have this image in my head of my happiness compared to my success.
I feel that I will always be more sucessful then I will be happy, and they will never eclipse so (if anyone wants to paint this for me, go ahead)
the image is sorta of Dali-esque
you know
this guy



so its of a guy with hoooks through his skin that are attached to big balloons being lifted above the ocean, the balloons represent my success and the man is my happiness, theres nothing he can do about it, yeah sure it's saving his life but he'll always just be trailing behind it, he's thankful of it, but it isn't the most comfortable experience.

dandy.

It truly amazed me how quickly I was cut outta her/your life.
goddamn.
I mean I know I asked for it, but there was no second thought.
Maybe you're too literal
maybe I'm just an asshole.
maybe I way over thought things.
maybe you just told me what I wanted to hear.
maybe I'm taking this all too seriously.
but not talking to you for 3 weeks(save for the occasional txt msg) sure does leave a lot up in the air.
Believe me honey, I wasn't asking for anything except a friend who'd never leave.
However, as we all know, You can't always get what you want.
infact
you rarely ever get what you want.
and if you try sometimes, you just might find
that it doesn't pay to try.
Ever.
Right?




ah well.
Shit happens.
Yeah, play it stoic, everyone believes you.
Jesus this is all like a fucked up Patrick Marber peice.
a lot of yelling.
a lot of heartaches.
a lot of drugs.
Well for me anway.





"Love is natural and real, but not for such as you and I my love."
Who knows maybe I'm overly dramatic and just can't seem to deal.
I wouldn't know
I wouldn't care either.



So next week and the week after that are my show.
And I'm in the reader.
and was on some radio thing.
Mentioned by name as a young actor to watch.
Well, it's not all dark rooms and bloody noses.
There's some hope out there.
And those day's will come again,
just not for me.

Girl Afraid

This blog really should be called "I Know It's Over" because it relates much more to that song then it does to this.
but I already used that song in a blog so....
actually
no fuck that.

You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory

It doesn't pay to try.

You know I was reviewing this thing and there's something I wanna clear up for all you one or two readers out there.

I don't hate Mika.
I know it really doesn't matter or anything, and basically this is just an excuse to write a blog using a Johnny Thunders song
but
That was the funnest relationship I've ever been in.
I think.
In actuality I'm not sure, we broke up a year ago but our relationship had deteriorated long before that
so I can't really remember
but I'm pretty sure that it was fun.
but, as the great once said (^ up there)
You can't put your arms around a memory
don't try
don't try.
I feel so stupid referring to her so much throughout this blog
because(and cue sordid desperation) she actually doesn't come up that much in real life.(reassuring laugh, reassuring laugh)
she just makes for great writing.
Actually
I think that writing about anyone that's made a significant impact on your life makes for great writing.
I think I could probably turn out the same amount of posts if I wrote about Ariel, or Kevin or Ashley(fosho!), or Victor or even Mark.
But all those, er, most of those people are close to me still.
She isn't.
So it's easier to write about Mika.






In other news that no one cares about
I've found that if you change your idols from people who fuck everything in sight and are never single to people who make songs like "So Alone" or "Never Had No One Ever" it makes it much easier for you to get on.
I don't want to be with anyone anymore.
This is the saddest part
I've actually forgotten what it feels like(There is a deeper meaning there by the way)
Not like it matters
I only got 10 more years anyways
5 years if I'm "lucky"
I sorta like the idea of dying alone now.
After all, that great picture of Johnny Thunders is of him, alone, in a corner.
Not sitting there with some other asshole.
All the greats die alone.
I'll never let someone hold me again
I'll never let someone control my heart
I'm fuckin untouchable.












Maybe I'm just an oversensitive asshole and this is how I deal with the fact that no one I want to be with wants to be with me and this is just a paean to the party of pity.
at least I'm honest.

Jesus, it's been fucking days since I've taking my meds
They're in the E.Vill Doer
which is gettin woik done.
fuck
Going without your meds for Major Depressive Disorder
is like going onto the fuckin football field without any pads or a helmet.
It's fuckin brutal.
and fuck you if you think you can get through this shit without meds.
You wouldn't tell a cancer patient that they can get through it with out Chemo.
Well, now I'm just ranting.
So long.

Changes

Turn and face the change




there you go
now every important person has a Obama post on their blog.

Sheila Take A Bow

Is it wrong to want to live on your own?




I've decided to never date again.
I dunno about celibacy yet.
Thats sorta pushin it for me.
However, I was thinking, like I do oh so well
and I came to the conclusion that I've done nothing but settle.
For instance;
I dated someone for two years(oh I wonder who) because the person that I loved at the time told me to and that she didn't want to date me, and I thought
"Well, this'll just be a little fling, and then I can get back on track."
It wasn't till recently that I collected all the pieces of myself from life's gutter and swept the bits of my seemingly splatter-prone brain to the shoulder after that big...let's see here, how many words in the dictionary sum up what happened...
debacle?
Crash?
Hiroshima?
oooh thats nice...

anyways
All I was doing was setteling.
the person I wanted to be with didn't wanna be with me so I decided to settle.
Thats all i've ever done.
I'm never doing that again.

On top of that it isn't like i've been having a blasty-blast, bouncing from girl to girl, i've been alone for a couple months now
so whats another 20 years.

In other news, California fucking sucks for eliminating basic human rights, Barack is prez(Called it back in 2004!) and my play opens in like....2 days.
Haha!